I’m quite tough, I rarely let things get to me and I’m very rarely upset. However, This is the one subject I can literally just think about and burst into tears.
Guilt. At sometime we’ve all felt it, Whether we’ve cheekily not scanned an item at the self serve check out, Took something back after wearing it for one night only, Cheated on a relationship or test, We all know what the sharp tang of guilt feels like. Usually you feel guilty when there’s good reason to, So why do we feel guilty when there’s no reason to?
When my depression creeps in, The guilt I keep buried away takes its opportunity to turn me into a blubbering mess. The things I push to the very back of my mind begin to taunt me.
“Look at the state of the house! I’m a terrible housewife!” (Although I am learning to boss it now, Click here to see my top tips!)
“I’ve not seen my family in so long, What if something happens to them and I can’t remember the last time I saw them!”
“Everyone thinks you’re a bad mother, Always palming her child off on her grandparents”
“You’ve not blogged in so long, People will think you can’t be bothered so you may as well give up” (This one I’ve explained in more detail here).
Those are a few of the worst, They make me feel worthless, completely and utterly shite, Almost as if I’ve set this unachievable standard for myself and I punish myself for not being able to live up to them.
I’ve stuck in a cycle for so long now, I didn’t even realise it was a cycle until my partner pointed it out to me. Now, I’ve heard the ‘Boom and Bust Cycle’ before but I’d never really thought about it before, not properly anyways.
This is generally how my flare up process goes. I do too much – I have a flare up – Feel depressed and sickeningly guilty – I don’t fully rest and recover as I’m too eager to jump up – Then I do too much again and the cycle continues. I am literally the definition of the boom and bust cycle!
I will be in the midst of a flare up and I’ll look around and get mad, At stupid things really, Pots on the side, Washing all over, House untidy, Takeaways all of the show (Steven’s a mechanic not a cook) and I can feel the guilt and anger burning in me. I then jump up like sonic the hedgehog and tidy, clean and wash everything, Which then causes a worse flare up than before. Right there and then is when the Flare Fear sets in.
Each time, I say to myself I won’t do it this time, I won’t give into the guilt of before but the main reason I jump up is yeah, The guilt. Because I’m overwhelmed by the responsibility to my home and my family that I feel like I must keep it looking fab and organized at all times.
The worst of it is, I know these negative thoughts weight me down but each time I can’t help but shake them. But I’m trying. The only thing I can try to do is remember: My family love me unconditionally, For me, No matter what, My house is not a show home I have a young family and my house is lived in. My daughter is with my five days a week and she thinks I’m amazing and her opinion is the only one which matters to me. As for my blog, Whether I blog everyday or every few months, People like you are still reading and whilst you’re still reading, I won’t give up and I’ll carry on writing.
I’m coming to terms with always having guilt creep in, But I’m changing the way I react to it: Afterall they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and if its not killing me (or making me a blubbering mess!) – It must be making me stronger!