You may of felt it, creeping in the night. You may of tasted it, eating something you shouldn’t of. You may of smelt it, or smelt nothing at all. You may of seen it, Surely my foot wasn’t this big this morning? You may of heard it, Your bones cracking around.
It, Not like It the clown but something us Spoonies fear more, The Flare ups.
Mine usually begin with a twinge in my ribcage, Then the fatigue will hit. My senses shut down, burning eyes, noise sensitivity, dry mouth, fever, light sensitivity, swollen glands, sunburnt feeling skin, a blocked nose that feels like it’ll never unblock. By that point I know I’ve hit the point of no return and I prepare for my flare to hit me full force. It genuinely feels like I’m preparing for battle the way I gather my supplies and arrange my responsibilities (See my Ultimate Flare Up Survival Kit here). I throw on my armour of floaty pyjamas and take my place in bed, and await the battle.
Now, I very rarely go into a flare up without kicking and screaming about it. When I feel the twinge, I think I’m clever and sly, Like I could beat the flare at its own game. I drink lots of water, take extra meds and have a little rest, sometimes I’ll even chuck a hot water bottle in for added measure.
Smugly I rise from my rest, Thinking I’m a magical force who cannot be reckoned with! Usually within the hour the smug look is well and truly wiped off my face, Whilst hurdling ten times faster into a flare up wondering what’s I did wrong.
I don’t know why I fight it so much, I think it’s because I don’t want to go so easily into the agony and depressive episode that the flare brings as a jolly sidekick, I want to fight it so much and out smart my own body, So my illness has no other option than to retreat back!
For me, it’s the knowing what’s looming ahead, that’s the real fear for me. The judgement, The pain, The guilt, The depression, The missing out, The resentment, The loneliness, The low self esteem, The anger. It’s all there waiting for me.
So far I’ve not been very successful at out smarting my own body, If you have any tips I’d love to hear them because right this minute, I’ve had my ribcage twinge and I’m very much filled with that very familiar feeling, The Flare Fear.